Back when I was in college, I had a job as a night operator over a computer network. I was also on what I call the “Water Diet”. The goal of the Water Diet is to drink obscene amounts of water. It would push the food through your system faster and keep you full to prevent you from eating too much. It was great while I was on it, but it became more than my bladder could bear.

The tipping point was when I drank 3/4 as I was leaving work and on my drive home. I figured I would be okay bladder-wise because there was usually a 45-minute delay as the water passed through my system before it needed to come out.

There was a traffic jam that day. A huge, huge traffic jam. I was in that car for a lot longer than the alotted 45 minutes. Worse, I was unable to get off the freeway to find a McDonald’s or convenience store to take advantage of.

I’ve always had a weak bladder and I’ve never suffered it kindly. I expect at least one restroom break whenever I go see a movie. I held it as long as as valiantly as I possibly could. Then, on the floorboard on the passenger side, I saw the empty water bottle just emptily sitting there completely empty.

By the time I made it back to the university, I had filled 2 /12 one-quart water bottles.

When I got home I had to tell someone about my near-explosion, my surprising limberness within the car, and my good old fashioned inginuity. So I messaged my friend Clint and told him the whole story.

That’s what I thought I’d done, anyway. I realized my error when I got a message back from my mother.

trummama: So it all worked out, then?

trumwill: Oh crap!

trumwill: Hi, mom.

trummama: No pun intended, I’m sure.

trumwill: Sorry, I thought I was sending this to Clint.

trummama: No problem. Glad it all worked out for you.

trummama: Must be nice being male.

Category: Ghostland, Road

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4 Responses to The Advantages of Male Plumbing

  1. Peter says:

    I recall the Water Diet and its Warholian 15 minutes of fame. Which were about 14 minutes more than it deserved. Although the Water Diet was not as ludicrous as the late-1980’s Grapefruit Diet, some of whose adherents claimed that eating enough grapefruit would actually counteract the calories in other foods. In other words, grapefruit would “eat” other calories in one’s body.

  2. logtar says:

    Done it twice!

  3. Webmaster says:

    Grapefruit diett…(diet!) Throw out the pizza and beer…

    The water diet is one of the few scary diets that can actually kill you – get your electrolyte balance far enough out of whack (which you can do by force-feeding yourself water like that) and you can literally just drop dead.

  4. Spungen says:

    Great photo. The meaning was clear long before I deciphered what it actually was.

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