Logtar wants to know how someone becomes an expert on marriage proposals:

What makes him a expert on the subject of proposing? that is the question that still lingers in my head. I could see a jeweler maybe knowing more than him, because he is actually the person that gets to hear the stories of proposal before they happen. I could see maybe someone that did something really outrageous and was turned down… but a cook?

Just being famous does not make you an expert in my eyes, but more and more people with fame get to have a voice. I think that is the real danger of the celebrity culture, that maybe we are getting information from sources that are not very reliable. Be careful of where you get your expert advice, and next time you see one on TV, ask yourself if the person talking should really be considered an expert on the subject.

I’d imagine that proposals is something that it’s very easy to become an “expert” on. Proposals are one of those things that you can ask virtual strangers about and a lot of them will open up about it. Heck, I considered making last weeks Ghostland piece a look back on planned proposals (and the one of course I executed). Collect a few hundred stories, find out which ones worked and which ones didn’t, and voila, you’re an expert. I know that I’d certainly listen to what the person had to say, if only to get some ideas.

That being said, this guy does sound like an idiot. There is no single right way to propose, but he seems to be offering one. Advice should start with questions about him and her and be more in the form of “Maybe you should consider…” or “Maybe something along the lines of…” rather than “You should … You shouldn’t …” Some girls love the idea of being proposed to in a very public place. That sort of thing would horrify my wife.

One such example is something that Logtar says:

I now see that step in a relationship more logically and think it should be a decision made by both and not a surprise… I remember somewhat being pressured to propose on my first marriage, and we all now know it did not work out.

I disagree. I think that surprises along these lines are a good thing. Sure, hint around it, try to make sure you’re on the same wavelength… but once you think that she’ll either say “yes” or at least won’t blow up at the proposal, make it a shot in the dark. But that’s how I wanted to go about it and how I think that the significant significant others would have been on board with. I have difficulty contemplating going about it any other way, but presumably it was just what the doctor ordered for him and his wife.

The other comment is that pressured proposals aren’t necessarily a bad thing. If she wants to get married and wants the relationship to be headed there, I don’t think that she should just wait for him to get around to that mode of thinking. I know a lot of time lost by women being too passive about fishing or cutting bait. It often brings to light issues that could have laid semi-dormant for very long periods of time.

Category: Coffeehouse

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5 Responses to A Lifetime Proposition

  1. Webmaster says:

    I remember seeing a video about a guy who got slapped, incredibly hard, because his friends ordered up a proposal (behind his back but on his behalf) at his girlfriend’s favorite sports team on a night they knew the two had tickets.

    Dunno what happened after that, but it didn’t seem a great move by them, and an even worse move for him when he started protesting “I was set up” while she was trying to say yes!

  2. trumwill says:

    So she was trying to say yes, he protested that he was set up, and she slapped him?

    If that’s on YouTube, I wanna see it.

  3. logtar says:

    Now that I am older I understand what pressure does to people a lot better. I think that it is ok for a woman to hint that she wants, but to pressure is not good. Not sure if most men need a little push, but I did not… maybe its just me.

  4. Becky says:

    I saw that You Tube video, it was sad yet kind of funny at the same time. I felt bad for the girl b/c she looked so excited when she first saw the sign.

    As for proposals, I’m the no-public type so I think they really come down to what “fits” between the couple, so I’m not sure there really is a right way. I would imagine most men have an idea that the girl will say yes b/c I would also hope that he’d have an idea of what kind of ring she’d like to wear, but like you, I hope to be surprised for the “moment” of when he’s going to do it.

  5. trumwill says:

    but to pressure is not good.

    I’d guess that it varies. The good that I think pressure does is that it brings problems to the forefront. In some ways it destroys relationships, but in a good way. My poor ex-girlfriend Julie pushed her boyfriend Tony on the proposing subject and that forced him to confront the problems the relationship had. Problems that could have gone on in perpetuity otherwise. On the other hand, there’s your experience, where you went ahead and proposed for what turned out to be a mistake.

    I would also hope that he’d have an idea of what kind of ring she’d like to wear,

    The trick there is to ask questions about style of ring far too early in the relationship to propose… ask in an offhanded manner like you’re asking about taste in clothing, maybe in a conversation more generally about jewelry. Make it sound like you’re making conversation (which is credible because you know she’s not going to propose). I know the preferred ring style of probably six old flames, though I only proposed once and only considered proposing on two other occasions.

    Hey, maybe I should bill myself as a proposal expert! 🙂

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