Recent conversations over at Bobvis and here reminded me of something that isn’t entirely on-topic for either conversation and deserves its own post.
When I was young, I did “put myself out there” insofar as I asked girls out. I didn’t do a very good job of it, but I did it. I think that it’s really bad advice to simply tell someone, young or older, only that they need to ask more girls out. Most likely that will result in a disproportionate amount of rejections and lessons learned that are either false or counterproductive.
What I didn’t realize in my younger years but was helpful as I got older is that you have to “put yourself out there” by making friends, particularly (but not necessarily) of the female variety. For someone introverted like me, that’s hard to do. It means going out in groups when you’re rather be alone. It means introducing yourself to people just for the sake of their getting to know you. Hard, painful stuff, but helpful in every walk of life. Most of the guys I know that have a lot of trouble with women either have relatively few platonic friends or they are in an insular group based around activities where males significantly outnumber females.
Costa Tsiokos posted a while back about an encounter he had with a woman where he stepped back immediately after seeing that she was married. Frankly I’ve done that myself more than once. Why waste the time and energy (which, if you’re introverted, is limited). As a commenter points out, meeting people like that is how you meet new people, some of whom are going to be single. Chances are that’s not going to happen on an isolated incident on the subway, but it is nonetheless important to try to extend your network. The easiest way to make new friends is through old friends, and one of the easiest ways to get a girlfriend or boyfriend is through a mutual acquaintance.
This sort of thing is really difficult to do while in K-8 (particularly because there is comparatively so little interaction between boys and girls), though gets a little bit less difficult in high school and even less so beyond. But for people like me it never gets easy. Thankfully, several years ago I went to a party that I did not want to go to and struck up a conversation with a brunette medical school student.
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6 Responses to Extending Your Network
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I don’t know if having female friends is a solution to this problem. I’ve had numerous female friends, and I’ve had more female friends than male friends, and it hasn’t created an effect in terms of my ability to attract other women. I should admit that I’ve never asked a girl out, nor have any of my female friends tried to set me up with their friends. In fact, I’ve had one friend who said that she can’t *find* any girls for me to date.
Most of the guys I know that have a lot of trouble with women either have relatively few platonic friends or they are in an insular group based around activities where males significantly outnumber females.
Being in a mostly male activity group is okay so long as the activity in question is traditional guy-stuff. That means, for the most part, sports. Men who are total sports nuts usually don’t have much trouble finding women even though women aren’t as interested in sports. It’s when the male activity group involves something like sci-fi, D&D or other forms of fantasy that you run into trouble.
Peter, you can be interested in traditional guy stuff and still be clueless in terms of women. As if you’re shy and introverted regardless of your activities and choice of women, your chances for finding a female are much lower.
Peter, you can be interested in traditional guy stuff and still be clueless in terms of women. As if you’re shy and introverted regardless of your activities and choice of women, your chances for finding a female are much lower.
If you’re heavily involved in sports, around many male friends, you’ll probably be able to pick up pointers on the best ways to deal with women and, hopefully, become less clueless. You also have the opportunity to meet women through your male sports buddies.
David,
Having female friends in and of itself is not a solution, but it’s a start (and a better start than simply asking girls out, in my experience). I befriended Andrea Carmine my sophomore year in high school interested in her friend. Nothing came of that, but it at least helped me get more comfortable around girls, which was necessary if not sufficient.
Having female friends per se may or may not do any good. What you need is friends that have a lot of female friends. I’ve had a number of female friends but most were some degree of unhelpful because so many of their friends were guys like me. Meanwhile I met my wife through a male friend (who had more than a couple female friends).
The problem with people like me (and I expect people like you) is that we draw our comfort zones a little too close. We have a handful of close friends but not much of an extended network. I think introverts should do what they can to cultivate the latter, even (or especially) if it makes them uncomfortable.
Peter,
Though football in itself is not a helpful tool to get a girlfriend, I can agree that it can make a difference as far as social networks go. It is the only male-dominated activity that comes to mind, but there are absolutely other alternatives for people that are not into sports. As I’ve mentioned ad infinum, my so-so knowledge of the NFL has never been helpful at meeting women. Further, it didn’t get me into social circles where I could meet women. I met my wife through a guy that I struck up a friendship with based on our mutual interests of politics and (more socially) live music shows.