Well, not “live” per se, since I’m watching a recording.

0:00 – An old guy is talking about how great snow is. Having been raised in the south, I have a hick’s apprecition of snow. However, I can’t say that appreciation is uniform. I’m also skeptical of the notion that it eliminates the tensions that exist between opposing groups such as mailmen and pets.

1:00 – It’s snowing outside, yet the kids at the school are using the fogged windows to spear images of… snowflakes? I suppose it’s good to know that creativity was killed well before the Nintendo came along.

1:30 – Humorous antics of an inept magician. Ha, ha.

2:15 – The conflation of crosseyed with being stupid, weird, or crazy is notably politically incorrect.

2:22 – The kids assault the poor magician on their way out of class. Hooligans.

2:37 – A boy is sledding across the snow in a way that defies even creative laws of physics. There is no force behind his momentum.

3:12 – Under ordinary circumstances, it would be inadvisable for kids to develop an attachment to a non-sentient creature that will die a horrible death when it warms up. On the upshot, the fact that snowmen are not sentient saves them a lot of pain in the end, no?

3:22 – Ten seconds before, the kids named the snowman Frosty. Within those short ten seconds, they compose a song dedicated to him. Maybe kids were more creative prior to the Nintendo.

3:43 – Frosty is born from sin. The kids had no right to take that magic hat from the magician they assaulted earlier. The kids claim he “threw it away”, but that does not stand up to even a minimum of scrutiny.

4:55 – The magician is trying to have it both ways. He wants the hat because he’s magic, but he claims that the hat couldn’t have brought Frosty to life because snowmen can’t come to life. He can’t have it both ways. Actually, he can, because it’s his hat.

5:00 – Pre-hat, Frosty had no legs. He grew them when he came to life. When the hat came off and he was no longer sentient, the legs are still there. The kids could really impress people if they convinced everyone that they made a snowman with legs. If they were smart, that is.

5:33 – The narrator (with an animated cell mouth several shades lighter than the rest of him) explains, with absolutely no justification, that the hat did belong to Frosty and the children, thereby justifying the bunny’s theft of the hat. Communists.

6:35 – Frosty speaks English (though not mathematics). That’s fortunate for everybody involved.

7:50 – The temperature on the thermometer is rising with unrealistic rapidity. The winter wonderland in the background of this has snow everywhere, but it was explained at the opening of the piece that it was the “first snow”. Man, talk about weather shifts. This must take place in the interior northwest.

8:47 – Frosty is leading a parade of utter destruction and chaos through town that is adversely affecting everyone that witnesses it, as though he were a curse or the product of black magic. Passerbies run into one another, a guy gets his moustache chopped off, and a cop swallows his whistle.

11:35 – Frosty and the kids are at the train station and the clerk refuses to let them on because they have no money. That’s all well and good, but then the clerk closes the entire stand! What about other customers? They apparently fall victim to the curse of Frosty.

12:20 – The kids decide to hop on a train illegally. The girl says she can as long as she’s back before dinner. The odds of going to the North Pole and making it back by dinner are miniscule. Further, they’re excited to be in a train car with ice cream and frozen cake. Presumably to illegally consume. Frosty is guilty of contributing to the delinquency of minors. Bad, bad Frosty. Then again, before Frosty was built, they had already demonstrated themselves to be hooligans.

13:28 – The magician is reiterating his need to get his hat back and hops on the train. He then says, repeatedly, “Think nasty”. WHAT?!

14:00 – The cakes are mysteriously gone from the train car.

15:00 – They’re stranded out in the cold. The little gurl is freezing to death. I’m not sure a giant, frozen creature holding her is the best idea. Of course, maybe it’s the best of a bunch of bad options. I guess Frosty, less than 24-hours old, can’t be held entirely accountable for having a poor future time-orientation.

18:15 – The magician is back and he spit out the campfire. That was a pretty lame move since, at least theoretically, he needs heat, too. The magician catches up with them yet again and locks Frosty in a greenhouse. Stupidly, he locks himself out. So not only is he going to be really cold, but he can’t even get his hat back!

20:33 – Frosty is melted. They didn’t show it, of course, but to imagine it is traumatic enough. As a kid, I imagined it and bawled my eyes out and did not stop even when Santa brought him back to life. I think I’ve had it in for this cartoon ever since. Hence this post.

22:30 – Santa blackmails the magician into giving up his claim on the hat. This constitutes a happy ending.

23:42 – You’d think Santa would have other things to be doing for Christmas.

24:14 – The Christmas Parade of Doom is declared to become an annual affair. I suppose this isn’t too terrible a thing because, as people get used to it, they won’t injure and main themselves in surprise. So “yay” and all that.

Category: Theater

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