I broke down and got a brick of Velveeta a few weeks ago. I’ve been able to muster up more discipline since getting married since my usual “Bare Cupboard” diet doesn’t work as well whenever there’s someone else buying temptation. So I figured that I would be able to hold off and meter my eating somewhat.

Velveeta used to be something of a special treat for me. I wouldn’t get it all that often simply cause once I got it I could eat the entire brick in no time flat. Heck, I didn’t even need to melt the stuff. I could just cut it off and eat it. In too large of quantities. So I reserved it mostly for group occasions where I needed to make my special chili which contains all manner of cheese and faux-cheese. Despite this, though, I always had a soft spot in my heart for the stuff. How could anyone have a problem with Velveeta? It’s like cheese, but different. It lasts longer. It doesn’t need to be refrigerated. It melts wicked-fast. It is a scientifically superior cheese.

My wife, it seems, has changed me.

I can barely eat the stuff. I can’t eat it at all without it being melted. I don’t like it on crackers melted or otherwise. It’s only mildly edible when supplementing something else. Chili, actually, cause it makes ravioli taste funny. Thank goodness the scientists put so much effort into the stuff, cause it’s going to take a loooong time to work through that huge darn brick.

The same sort of thing happened before we left Estacado. I bought some Cheez Whiz on a lark and didn’t even finish it. We gave it to one of the homeless guys that used to help us out with chores around the house. He hasn’t been corrupted by my wife as I have.

A while back I mentioned in a comment on Phi’s blog that because of my wife I no longer have the same appreciation for American Cheese that I once did. There are certain brands that are worth trying (one of which, oddly enough, is Sam’s Club brand!), but by and large I eat other cheeses if I can. It’s hard to go back when you’ve had cheese that actually contains significant amounts of cheese.

I am kinda pissed at Clancy about this, actually. She took things that I used to like and made me not like them anymore. She’s mean.

All is not lost, though. She will take the Easy Cheeze from my cold, dead hands.

Category: Kitchen

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7 Responses to Scientifically Superior Cheese

  1. Willard Lake says:

    Yoplait will ruin all other yogurts, too. Sorry to hear about your cheeseless marriage. I hope things turn out well for you.

  2. Linus says:

    I still maintain that Velveeta and Easy Cheeze are simply not cheese. “American cheese” itself is borderline.

    Velveeta may be “scientifically superior” in terms of not needing refrigeration and its low melting point, but consider what science might have to say about its impacts to your health. Could this so-called cheese possibly be good for you if molds won’t even eat it at room temperature?

    I do feel your pain, though – I miss the nights in my bachelor-hood when I would polish off a whole can of Campbell’s tomato soup and a half a loaf of bread-machine bread while watching a movie.

  3. Webmaster says:

    I haven’t had Easy Cheeze in ages… I may have to stop at a grocery store and pick up some (with crackers) now. Darn you Will!

  4. Clancy says:

    Hey, it’s not a cheese-less marriage! In fact, it’s less of a cheese-less marriage than it was before, ’cause now we eat actual cheese instead of that pseudo-cheese brick of horror sitting in our fridge. 🙂 Linus, I’ve got to say I agree with you about the Velveeta. If even molds won’t eat it. . . 😀

  5. Peter says:

    Yoplait will ruin all other yogurts, too.

    After trying Greek-style yogurt I can no longer stand the regular stuff like Dannon or Yoplait. Regular yogurt now seems way too gloppy in its consistency.

    As for cheese, I like many different types, but goat cheeses are the best.

  6. trumwill says:

    Our marriage definitely isn’t cheeseless. Quite the opposite. One of the ways that I used to prevent myself from going overboard with the cheese was by not keeping much around. Doesn’t work when you live with somebody though.

    As far as yogurt goes… I’m not much of a yogurt person. Clancy likes it a lot and makes it pretty regularly, though. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as “Greek-style”.

    I would say that mold just doesn’t know what it’s missing out on, but unfortunately I’ve come around to its point of view.

  7. Barry says:

    My favorite is smoked cheddar. Mmmmmmmm….

    I’ll slice pieces off of that and eat them by themselves, or on crackers. Or better, with little slices of summer sausage. Them’s good eatin’!

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