I sometimes frustrate my dear wife when I leave crucial words out of sentences. It’s genetic. Mom does the same thing. So, without much in the way of context, I will say something like “I’m thinking we should use 53.”

“Absent words.”

“Oh. Sorry. When we go to Alexandria tonight, we should go on State Highway 53 instead of through Redstone.”

Absent Words replaced “What the hell are you talking about?” as a conversational lubricant.

Having been married for a while, though, she is increasingly able to fill in the blanks. Yesterday, I asked, “Is that thing going to be with those other things?”

“Yes,” she answered, “the ovulation kit will be with the feminine products.”

And so off to Safeway I went. It turned out that the ovulation kits were not with the feminine products. I know this because I spent a good half hour looking over every kind of tampon, cream, and gel that I never knew existed in search for it. Finally, I had to do what I always have to do when I am looking for something like an ovulation kit. I had to ask customer service.

It turned out that the ovulation kits were in a separate part of the store. Right by customer service, in the wide open front of the store. With the condoms, pregnancy tests, and just about everything else that kids would not want their parents or neighbors to know that they are buying. I am thinking that this is not coincidental.

Ordinarily, something like an ovulation kit – or condoms – wouldn’t bother me, but this is a small town and not a visit to the pharmacy went by when I was picking up my wife’s birth control where the pharmacist didn’t say “You’re still not trying?” For some reason, announcing that we are trying (by way of purchasing an ovulation kit) is more private than the fact that we’re trying not to. It’s not logical. The check-out girl (who lives five houses down from us) looked pleasantly surprised to see the kit.

My only other real experience purchasing feminine products (except birth control) was in college, when my then-girlfriend Julianne needed me to go to the campus convenience store and pick up tampons. And so, of course, the conversation ended with the clerk saying, as I stood in line in front of about five people, “Now did you want the tampons in the blue box or the green box?!”


Category: Market

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9 Responses to Absent Words & Feminine Products

  1. Kevin says:

    When in college, I used to work at a grocery store. I’ll never forget the woman who asked me where the douche was. Had she just asked for it, I wouldn’t have remembered her, but she went on and on about how embarassing it was to have to ask for such a personal item.

    Good luck getting pregnant. The trick is to try not to get pregnant but accidentally miss a pill. I have three kids, and all of them were, “Oh, sh*t” babies. (I still don’t know if I’m that gullible or my adorable wife is just not that smart.)

  2. Samson J. says:

    I sometimes frustrate my dear wife when I leave crucial words out of sentences.

    AAARRGGH!!! My wife does this too and I CAN’T STAND IT!!!!

    Although I’m getting better at living with it.

  3. Peter says:

    If you’re ever embarrassed about buying tampons, tell the checkout clerk that you’re cleaning a shotgun.

  4. ScarletKnight says:

    The check-out girl (who lives five houses down from us) looked pleasantly surprised to see the kit.

    Isn’t there a close but not-so-close place you could go to instead? Can’t Clancy take them from work?

    Kevin: I’ll never forget the woman who asked me where the douche was.

    If life was a sitcom, the answer would have been: Laying on your couch, watching TV.

  5. trumwill says:

    AAARRGGH!!! My wife does this too and I CAN’T STAND IT!!!!

    Although I’m getting better at living with it.

    I keep telling Clancy that if she loved me, she would be able to read my mind and follow along. She does not like that line of thinking, even in purely-joking form.

  6. trumwill says:

    The trick is to try not to get pregnant but accidentally miss a pill. I have three kids, and all of them were, “Oh, sh*t” babies. (I still don’t know if I’m that gullible or my adorable wife is just not that smart.)

    The mental shift from hoping a test comes up negative to hoping it comes up positive is… weird.

  7. trumwill says:

    If you’re ever embarrassed about buying tampons, tell the checkout clerk that you’re cleaning a shotgun.

    Hey, up here that’d be a popular explanation. Except they might ask me about hunting.

  8. trumwill says:

    Isn’t there a close but not-so-close place you could go to instead? Can’t Clancy take them from work?

    I got the first set up in Redstone. But we lost that set (finding them the day after I bought the second set, of course). This was more time-sensitive, so I needed to go locally.

  9. Brandon Berg says:

    If you’re ever embarrassed about buying tampons, tell the checkout clerk that you’re cleaning a shotgun.

    What part of “I have successfully had sex with a woman without knocking her up” is embarrassing?

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