Melissa Blake wants to know why men are reluctant to date women with disabilities. Lordy, lordy do I hate questions like that. It’s the sort of question that invites dishonesty. Either you lie and say that you are not reluctant to date someone disabled or tell the truth and let those that are lying get the upper hand. Or you’re not lying and are disabled (though, even if you’re disabled, you could be lying). Disability is actually not something that’s high on my list of repelling traits. I’m not particularly physically active myself. As long as she can sit, she is capable of doing 90% of what I want to do. But that’s not the same thing as saying that, all things being equal, I would prefer someone that is not disabled. I would prefer not to have to make the accommodations that dating a disabled person would require. None of that is to say that I would high-tail it out if something happened to Clancy, but it would come as a blow not just for her (though, of course, primarily for her) but also for me.

Meanwhile, Not a Ten complains about people telling him that he is fixated on people out of his league. (Actually, we don’t know it’s a “he” and a lot of commenters assume it’s a “she”, but both the answer-lady and I read it as a “he” so it’s a “he” for the sake of this discussion. ). There’s not even a nod to the irony of saying “Why should I put up with less if I can get more?” without asking “Why should a hot person put up with me if they can get another hot person.” Wendy the Answer-Lady’s answer was more-or-less on target. And the truth is that you sometimes can trade up in looks, but it always comes at a cost. Girls that date down in the looks department often do so because they lack options and they often lack options for a pretty good reason. So unless you actually have an exceptional quality to offer, best not to get too ambitious.


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13 Responses to Reactions to Frisky

  1. Peter says:

    I certainly thought that Not a Ten is a woman. Use of the 1 to 10 scale is almost entirely limited to women, so a man would be unlikely to think of himself in terms being (not) a ten.

  2. web says:

    Ouch. Given that my grandmother had a fall a few years back and now is wheelchair-bound, it’s hard on my grandfather. A lot of help from other family members (my parents, aunts and uncles, etc) is needed. After all, they’re about to be great-grandparents.

    As for the “dating a woman with a disability” – have done. It didn’t work out. Wasn’t about the disability per se, though that certainly contributed to her emotional issues (insecurity, anger, etc) that didn’t exactly make things easier.

    Why do men not want to date a woman with a disability? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the answer varies as much as men do (in other words, More Than People Think). For that matter, it probably makes a difference what the disability is, at least inasmuch as what the guy will be thinking. After being with someone for 10-20 years and getting married, the thought of “When she’s X years old I’ll be the one helping with Y,Z,Q things” probably takes on a tone different than “Wow, by dating/proposing/marrying, I’m signing up to be the one responsible for Y,Z, and Q.”

    We’ve also gone the rounds in this blog about what constitutes a “disability.” Poor grooming, an inability or lack of desire to keep up personal hygeine? In the dating world, definite disability. Voice that could peel wallpaper? Perhaps. Personality and/or intelligence completely MIA? Certainly.

    And then of course, Melissa Blake’s got the issue of needing to advance past her “disabilities” in the dating field. In other words, she’s in the same position as most males are: she’s not going to get a date (especially not the dates she wants) by sitting as a wallflower to be asked. Her comments later in the article also reveal a number of other “It Shouldn’t Matter!(but in reality it almost always does)” things that she keeps tripping herself up on. Telling yourself “it shouldn’t matter” over and over is a sure sign that it does, in fact, matter and that one way or the other, it needs addressing.

  3. trumwill says:

    Peter,

    Guys don’t generally refer to themselves as a 10 when comparing themselves to other guys, but they do when comparing themselves to women. In other words, when trying to articulate whether they are in the same league as someone or how far separated they are, they’ll often try to peg themselves on the 1-10 scale. Dr Love from AskMen is an example of this, from what I recall.

    The reason I thought “It’s a guy” was because of the language of “going for it” which is something that (generally) guys do. And as Wendy says, 90% of her letters are from women.

    It’s a sentiment not uncommon to either gender. I think it’s slightly more common with men because men are more fixated with looks on the whole, but it could be a chick.

  4. trumwill says:

    Web,

    You sum it up nicely. The only thing I would add is that in addition to having to do Y, Z, and Q, there’s also the matter of not being any to do R, M, and V. For some guys (like me) it rarely matters, but for others it does. And that’s not a reflection of worth. If anything, the fact that I don’t want to do things that disabled people can’t do is/was a marketing hindrance.

    For some guys it shouldn’t matter. Some guys would gladly do a lot more for a woman that was hot and not disabled but then would use accommodations against someone that is disabled. People (not just guys) can be quite inconsistent in that regard. But you know what? That’s life. The beautiful and those without disabilities (of the physical or non-physical sort) have it easier.

    I wouldn’t consider grooming and hygiene to generally be a disability because they are relatively easily corrected. Even for someone like me that sweats a whole lot. Other things, such as obesity and strong introversion, are much harder to fix and fall more within the category of disability. Being physically unable to do things, like walk or even jog, definitely counts. The data point I would use for the spectrum is how easily corrected it is.

  5. Sheila Tone says:

    Will, how did you even come to be reading a site that looks like that? Now I’m wondering if YOU’RE really a woman.

  6. Peter says:

    Some years ago, I knew a young woman who had to deal with the effect of disability on relationship value. She had a speech problem that caused her to have trouble articulating many words. I believe it was the consequence of a childhood head injury, though I’m not positive (she was more of a slight acquaintance than an actual friend). Listening to her speak you’d think she was very dull and perhaps even retarded. In fact she wasn’t that way at all, she had a degree from a fairly prestigious college and a well-paying job. Nonetheless she often complained that men were reluctant to date her. At the time I knew she was close to 30 and wasn’t involved in any relationships.

  7. trumwill says:

    Sheila, The Frisky gets a lot of link-love. I find myself periodically following links to the site and, once I’m there, I see the other article titles and then follow a few links as titles interest me. While most of its readers appear to be female, oddly almost all of the links I follow to there appear to be guys. Often political bloggers, oddly enough.

  8. Sheila Tone says:

    And “Not a 10” is pretty clearly a man. Just something about the way he writes. Nothing emotional, all about analysis.

  9. DaveinHackensack says:

    Did any of you see the recent Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David flirts with a woman in a coffee shop without realizing she’s in a wheel chair, and then ends up going on a date with her?

  10. Peter says:

    Did any of you see the recent Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David flirts with a woman in a coffee shop without realizing she’s in a wheel chair, and then ends up going on a date with her?

    He might have gotten the idea from Freddy Got Fingered.

  11. DaveinHackensack says:

    “He might have gotten the idea from Freddy Got Fingered.”

    I saw a few minutes of that and it was a pretty vile few minutes. I think there was an umbilical cord involved, I forget.

  12. Peter says:

    Freddy Got Fingered ranks very high on the list of the worst movies of recent decades.

  13. john says:

    The question “Why Are Men Reluctant To Date A Woman With A Disability?” is misleading. Her article would have been more aptly named “Why Are Men Reluctant To Date Obese, Hideously Ugly, Disabled Cunts Like Me”?

    If Megan Fox got hit by a car tomorrow, and ended up in a wheelchair, she still wouldn’t have any trouble getting a date. Melissa Blake is just playing her government-issued “victim” card to blame everyone else’s “bigotry” for her problems. Reminds me of an obese, ugly black girl who screamed at me and called me a racist for refusing her advances.

    “It’s 2009. Why are men still looking at women with disabilities like we are weak creatures, confined to our beds all day, helpless and dependent on others for every little need, unable to work?”

    I absolutely loathe the pervasive “It’s 2009” argument. If you’re crippled, you’re crippled. Short of government mind-control implants, you’re not going to get people to ignore that in any century.

    “Women with disabilities are everywhere, and everywhere you want to be, so you just might as well stop even trying to outrun us.”

    Was that last part an unintentional joke? I don’t know, but the fact is that there are plenty of able-bodied women to go around.

    “We’re not aliens. We have the same wants, passions, desires and (gasp!) needs as able-bodied women.”

    Now we’re getting somewhere. She has (gasp!)needs! Clearly it’s some schmuck’s duty to fulfill these, whether he wants to or not.

    “I may be different, but I still fall asleep at night dreaming of someone lying next to me, someone who sees me and not just my disability. I’ve never understood why it sounded like such a tall order coming from me when millions of other women ask for the same thing. There’s this misconception that love and having a romantic relationship isn’t something women with disabilities need.”

    Yes, if only those poor schmucks knew that disabled women need them, they’d come running! To each according to her need, right? Isn’t that how people operate?

    “I’m just asking you not to be so quick in dismissing me—the one girl you could so easily overlook—and take a chance. Sure, you could probably get a date with any blonde beauty, but does she have a kick-ass sense of humor? Can she name all 50 states in the U.S. in alphabetical order? Now tell me that’s not hot!”

    I could get a date with any blonde beauty!?!? Nice!!!

    “I’ve seen the look in my mother’s eyes when she looks at photos of him: a smile crosses her face as if it is her wedding day all over again. Shouldn’t everyone get to feel that romantic happiness?”

    Should in one and and shit in the other… see which one fills up first.

    “Don’t be deceived: I am an independent woman, but I still want someone to sit on the porch with someday.”

    Want? Or need? I’m confused. Of course, this is the icing on the cake. She’s an independent woman. A crippled, needy, desperate, lonely, entitled independent woman. If anyone should have been spared the “grrl power” nonsense, it’s this broad.

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